Oh, hey! Ça va ? So today we’re starting the series The Stories Behind The Playlist with the first five songs. Are you new here and have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about? Okay, let’s fix that. First, hey, welcome, glad you’re here! Second, catch up by reading or listening to the intro to this series here.
Ready? Okay, let’s do it! But first, a quick disclaimer.
Disclaimer
In some stories, I will reference The Book for context. In doing so, I am by no means trying to make you buy it; the buying decision remains in your hands. 😊
The content of these stories may also be triggering, so your discretion is advised.
Okay, now let’s do it!
Contents
Prefer to listen?
Song 1: Scars by I AM THEY
Release Year: 2018
Year of first listen: 2019
Year of the story: 2020
The story
When I first listened to this song in 2019, I actually didn’t like it. That’s probably because at the time, I was still deeply in pain. I didn’t think I could ever be thankful for that kind of pain or for the marks it had left on my heart. But when I listened to it again in 2020, having gone through October 2019, it made so much more sense. I liked it; I thought it was a beautiful song. I wasn’t necessarily “there” yet. I wasn’t on the other side yet (at least not the one that I wanted to be on at the time), but I had come a long way and endured pain and previous situations I didn’t think I would survive.
In 2020, I was thankful for the scars from back then, as I am today for the ones that formed afterward. Sometimes I still can’t believe I’m saying this. The pain brought me closer to God, and my life experiences have made me more empathetic and appreciative of what I have. So yes, I am thankful for the scars.
Key lyrics
Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn't trade it for anything
'Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You'll use
So forever I am thankful for the scars
Keywords: pain, darkness, brokenness, gratefulness.
Song 2: While I Wait by Lincoln Brewster
Release Year: 2018
Year of first listen: 2019 (February)
Year of the story: 2019 (February)
The story
Oh, this song… I can still see myself in my bedroom crying to it.
February 2019. I’ve been in the U.S. for two years, and I’ve been looking for a job for two years. This year is when I’ll finally become eligible to work legally and for this last semester of school, I’d like to get an internship. I started looking specifically for internships last October, but no luck so far. I either do not hear back or when I do, it’s a rejection.
Last month, I interviewed for a role and my interviewer said he would get back to me within a week or two. It’s much later and still no news. With everything I’ve been through these past two years, I am exhausted and discouraged. I’m in my room, and all I can think about is how much I want to give up on my internship and job search, how much I want to stop hoping that I may get a callback. Tears won’t stop running down my cheeks.
A random playlist of gospel songs is playing on my Google Home. I only know one, the one I asked the Google Assistant to play at the beginning. I am still crying when a sad piano introduces a new song. I don’t know this song either and don’t pay much attention to it, but as soon as I hear the lyrics Sometimes miracles take time, I push out a sob that breaks me down even more. I bend over in my chair and cry for the rest of the song. I was already in tears, but these words took them to another level.
That day was after February 7th. And in case you don’t read The Book and are wondering, I did end up getting that internship. In March.
Key lyrics
I live by faith, and not by sight
Sometimes miracles take time
While I wait, I will trust You
You’re faithful every day
Your promises remain
Though I don't understand it
I will worship with my pain
Though I don't have all the answers
Still I trust You all the same
If you read The Book, you’ll come across what I refer to as "The Wall of Motivational Quotes and Verses." Sometime after February 7th, 2019, I wrote these exact lyrics on a yellow piece of paper that I glued to that wall.
Keywords: pain, hopelessness, despair, discouragement.
Song 3: Tell Your Heart to Beat Again by Danny Gokey
Release Year: 2014
Year of first listen: 2021 (March or April)
Years of the story: 1996 till now. Okay, just kidding. That’s 2007 to 2024.
The story
The Book.
Okay, just kidding. But honestly, if this isn’t the story of my life, I don’t know what is. Many times, I’ve had to tell my heart to beat again; many times, I had to let it beat again. Two of these times were unfortunately against my will. If I had to pick one story for this song, it would be the one about October 2019. Although I didn’t necessarily not want to let my heart beat again, it was the one time I experienced the most heartbreaking pain I’d ever felt. I was truly shattered, broken like I’d never been before (and believe me, I’d already been broken plenty of times).
When I listened to this song for the first time, it reminded me of the times in 2018 when I thought my life would never look like what it used to. One day that year, I was going through pictures and videos from previous years for the first time since leaving home. Pictures of me smiling, videos of me moving, dancing, laughing, being silly, having fun. Pictures and videos of me being happy. I wondered if I would experience that again. I looked at these pictures and did not even recognize myself. Things were so much different.
How was I so happy? Did I even realize I was this happy? I don’t think I can be this happy again. Maybe that was it for me, I’ve had my happy moments. These thoughts went through my mind when nothing looked like it would get better.
Key lyrics
The entire song, honestly. This guy spoke to my heart, but I’ll try.
You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
'Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun
Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good
Okay, I tried.
Keywords: pain, depression, loneliness, despair, darkness, broken heart.
Song 4: You’re Gonna Be OK by Jenn Johnson
Release Year: 2017
Year of first listen: 2021 (March)
Year of the story: 2021 (March to August)
The story
This is another song that reminds me of many things all at once. But if I had to pick one memory, it would be Spring/Summer 2021, when I listened to this song almost every day together with the previous one. That was another challenging time for me.
Spring 2021. I had been in Canada for about four months, all of which were spent in lockdown. I was going to school full-time, writing a book, preparing for a professional certification exam, and working part-time. I then lost my job and failed the exam, with my grades being the lowest since starting my master’s program. I also experienced the first of many rejections from my dream firm at the time, and it seemed like absolute craziness that I began nurturing an interest in even bigger companies. I was mentally drained, and what certainly did not replenish my energy tank was that the lockdown caused by the unending COVID-19 pandemic kept getting extended.
Summer 2021. I was trying my hardest to make my dream come true despite running low on confidence. I was still in lockdown and feeling extremely lonely, doing the same things repeatedly every day. I didn’t attend school for a few weeks because I hadn’t paid the fees, so I was now trying to figure out how to complete my program. I eventually did, but since I was no longer a student by the end of that summer, I needed to move out of my student apartment. I had no job and had exhausted my savings. This wasn’t my first, second, or even third time having to move in those conditions in the last four years. So many things happened that I did not expect or plan for, and the things that I did plan for did not materialize. I was trying my best to hold on, not to cry every day, to stay positive. But as time went by and things seemed to only get more complicated, it became harder and harder to remain positive.
Key lyrics
Another song that makes it hard to only pick a few lyrics, but I’ll try.
I know it's all you've got to just be strong
And it's a fight just to keep it together
Hope is never lost
Hold on, don't let go
Just take one step closer
Put one foot in front of the other
You'll get through this
Just follow the light in the darkness
You're gonna be ok
I know your heart is heavy from those nights
But just remember that you are a fighter
You never know just what tomorrow holds
And you're stronger than you know
When the night is closing in
Don't give up and don't give in
This won't last, it's not the end
Keywords: holding on, loneliness, exhaustion, hope.
Song 5: I Believe in You by JJ Heller
Release Year: 2021
Year of first listen: 2021 (April)
Year of the story: 2021 (July)
The story
Today, I’m exhausted. The past few months have been heavy, what with the pandemic, school, looking for a job, and just trying to be more stable. Some restrictions were finally lifted this month, so people can now go out to restaurants and bars and travel for non-essential reasons. I don’t have any plans for the summer. I feel lonely; I have no friends, I’ve run out of my savings and need to stretch the money I do have for my upcoming move or to sustain myself until I find a job. This isn’t the first time I’ve spent a summer like this, and I am tired.
I pick up my phone and start scrolling on Instagram. People. Sun. Flights. Laughter. Drinks. Beaches. Food. Posts. Friends. More food. More laughter. Reels. Cruises. More drinks. Stories. Families. Happiness. Memories.
I break down. I am not jealous of my friends or the other people enjoying their summer. I am actually happy for them; I just wish I too were having a good time here in Toronto or somewhere else. I wish I weren’t reliving yet another version of my life in the U.S. I can feel the pain, that once pea-sized hole in my heart that grew to the size of a coin, I can feel it expand.
What am I even doing here? Why do I always have to spend my summers like this? I am so tired of trying to be strong. I am so tired of trying to stay positive.
My head is a fireball between my hands and I press my eyes shut, trying to prevent the tears from escaping. I fail. Here I am writing a book about dreams when mine won’t even come true. I just want to go home. I want to give up. As soon as the “I want to give up” thought crosses my mind, a song starts playing in my head out of nowhere, but only the part that says, Look how far you’ve come, what you’ve already done. I know this song; I’ve been listening to it for a few weeks now. I continue to shake my head, this time refusing to believe what the lyrics are saying. I am tired. I want to give up. I want to go home. I press my eyes even more, and my tears continue to disobey.
This song also reminds me of the times I wanted to give up on The Book. God knows how many times that happened, how much of a struggle it was writing it, how exhausted I got trying to be patient, how many times I wrote what I thought would be the last chapter but absolutely wasn’t (Running a race with no finish line), how much I wanted to get it done and move on with my life, what a journey it’s been.
Key lyrics
This is not what you thought it would be
Your dreams collide with reality
When you’re tired of fightin'
And it feels like you're broken
I just want you to know that I believe in you
Running a race with no finish line
You work twice as hard to get half as far
Nobody knows the hero you are
Look how far you've come
What you've already done
Keywords: exhaustion, dreams, trying to hold on, loneliness
Okay! That’s it for today. I hope you learned a bit more about me and my journey; I hope you have a better understanding of why these songs are on The Playlist. I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask what your favorite story was? I do, however, look forward to reading your comments if there’s anything you’d like to share.
Seen you in Part II; until then, I hope you stay well (physically and mentally 😊).
Câlins,
Danielle
This series, and most likely the book as well, is a mirror for people living far from home. It's interesting that you bring it up because many don't realize they're not the only ones going through this, and that it's OK to feel exhausted. I'm excited to see what's next and to read your book.