Oh, hey! Ça va ? I am back today with the second part of the series The Stories Behind The Playlist. If you’re hearing about this series for the first time, welcome, thanks for stopping by! In this series, I share the stories and memories behind the songs I curated for The Playlist, the events or situations I remember when I listen to these songs. You can read or listen to the introduction to the series here, and check out Part I.
Disclaimer
In some stories, I will reference The Book for context. In doing so, I am by no means trying to make you buy it; the buying decision remains in your hands. 😊
The content of these stories may also be triggering, so your discretion is advised.
Contents
Prefer to listen?
Song 6: Do It Again by Elevation Worship
Release Year: 2017
Year of first listen: 2018
Year of the story: 2020
The story
October 2020. I am feeling lost and confused. I am back home, in Yaoundé, Cameroon, but have been attending my Master of Marketing classes online since September. The pandemic is in full swing; uncertainty is at its peak. I love that I was able to come home and spend time with family and friends and eat good food, after what felt like a century in Chicago, but my plan was to stay about three months–from June to August–before starting my program in person in Canada. With the pandemic, absolutely nothing is going as planned.
My study permit application has been pending since July and I have no news from Immigration, Refugees, and Citizenship Canada (IRCC) despite my multiple inquiries. Attending classes in a different time zone is taking a toll on my body, as I sometimes need to wake up in the middle of the night for group projects or other activities. On the financial side, my application for a student loan was rejected; the company no longer accepts new applications because of the pandemic. I have no idea if my study permit will be approved, yet I’ve started my program. My mom paid my tuition deposit but I have no idea how I’m going to pay the balance, yet I am still attending classes.
I shipped some of my stuff to Canada before leaving the U.S. thinking I would be in Toronto by September. I’ve been paying monthly storage fees since June in a country where I know absolutely no one who could pick up my stuff and ship them back to me if needed. I have also signed a lease that started last month for an apartment close to campus and have paid two full months at this point, in addition to the deposit. Canadian borders are closed to non-essential travel, so even if I already had my visa, I wouldn’t be able to travel. So, I’m essentially using up my savings on something that is 100% unclear.
Did I take too big a risk? Should I have planned more? What if it doesn’t work out? What if this is all a sham, like my first experiences in Chicago? I haven’t been sleeping well. I am not well.
This afternoon, I am working on an assignment in my bedroom. As I type on my keyboard and try to focus on the assignment rather than the swirling thoughts in my mind, a rush of emotions overcomes my body and I begin to cry. What am I supposed to do? How am I going to make it? Should I just give up and stay here? Is this even part of Your plan?
Songs are playing at random from my Liked Songs playlist on Spotify. It’s not my first time listening to the song that is currently playing, but as soon as I hear the lyrics I’ve seen You move, You move the mountains. And I believe I’ll see You do it again, tears rush down my face. I pause my assignment, rest my head on my hand on the table to allow the tears to continue their race.
Key lyrics
I've seen You move, You move the mountains
And I believe I'll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe I'll see You do it again
My heart will sing Your praise again
Keywords: confusion, uncertainty, hope, unprecedented times (sorry, I had to).
Song 7: I’m Still Here by Sia
Release Year: 2018
Year of first listen: 2018
Years of the story: 2018 and 2019
The story
The Summer of 2018 was a very, very difficult one for me, one during which I tried my hardest to hold on to life. It is one of two times that I told my heart to beat again despite what it had started to wish for. I tried for as long as I could not to give in to my childhood’s darkest thoughts, until I eventually caved. I was not going to, nor did I want to hurt myself or act on the thoughts I was having at the time. However, I was not well.
When I listened to this song the following summer, I immediately related to the lyrics. I wasn’t in the best shape at that time either, but I was still there, despite the past coming back to haunt me.
Key lyrics
Oh, the past, it haunted me
Oh, the past, it wanted me dead
Oh, the past, tormented me
But the battle was lost
'Cause I'm still here
Oh, and I am not going anywhere. Now, this is from me. 😊
Keywords: depression, darkness, pain, holding on.
Song 8: You Say by Lauren Daigle
Release Year: 2018
Year of first listen: 2019 or 2020
Year of the story: 2021
The story
I didn’t really like this song at first. No specific reason, I just didn’t like it. But in March 2021, I experienced something I wasn’t prepared for, something I didn’t know I was going to experience that soon in my career (or ever). I had an internship that wasn’t a good fit for me and that I wasn’t a good fit for. As had almost always been the case since 2017, I was dealing with several other challenges in my personal life. Because of my resulting poor performance, I got fired. I was in complete shock and didn’t know how to react, what to do, who to turn to.
The shock first turned into relief (I’d been wanting to quit that job because of a few bad experiences, but thought I needed to “stick it out”), then into insecurity and lower self-confidence. It started to feel too ambitious to pursue jobs at large companies when I couldn’t keep an internship at a small one. I didn’t feel good enough. I didn’t feel smart enough. And that is when I started listening to this song.
Key lyrics
I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough
Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up
You say I am strong when I think I am weak
And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours
And I believe
What You say of me
Keywords: shock, confusion, low confidence, pushing through.
Song 9: Before the Morning by Josh Wilson
Release Year: 2009
Year of first listen: 2021 (I am actually shocked!)
Years of the story: 2017 to 2022
The story
This is another song that touches on many parts of the years between 2017 and 2022. 2018 is the year that I started feeling pain on my heart, something that evolved over time, like a new part of me. As much as I hated it and wanted it gone, it was there, almost constantly. It deepened when I cried, expanded with each heartbreaking experience.
One way I tried to deal with this pain was to repeat this verse whenever I cried (not all the time, but on most occasions): “The pain that you’ve been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming.” (Romans 8:18)
I’ve held on to this verse since that day in 2018, when I was googling motivational quotes and verses for The Wall (😉).
The verse hasn’t always worked to soothe my pain, but it has sometimes given me something to look forward to. I didn’t know there was a song with this verse in it, so when I discovered this one, I knew I had to include it in The Playlist.
Key lyrics
Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you
If there's a God who loves you, where is He now
Maybe there are things you can't see
And all those things are happening to bring a better ending
Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming
All your pain will fade to memory
Keywords: pain, darkness, hope, light.
Song 10: Good Good Father by Chris Tomlin
Release Year: 2016
Year of first listen: 2017 or 2018
Years of the story: 2017 to 2019
The story
Like many songs on The Playlist, this one also brings up several memories, and it’s hard to pick just one. I choose to focus on 2017 to 2019 because these are the years during which I had the hardest time believing that God was indeed a good Father who loved me and had my best interests at heart. So many prayers He answered with a “no.” So many things I asked for were not given to me. So many doors I – sometimes literally – knocked on did not open, or closed right back in my face. So many heartbreaks. So much pain.
And yet so many unexpected blessings that could have only come from Him because they were too tailored to me to simply be coincidences. So many experiences I never asked for that I couldn’t even imagine having. So much forgiveness when I did the worst. And so much of His presence, even (and maybe especially) in my darkest moments when I was all alone and thought He had forgotten about me.
I glued this piece of paper to The Wall of Motivational Quotes and Verses to help me understand that God cares about me. If there is one thing I struggled with in my journey of faith, it is this image and the verse right next to it (hence the underlined and all-caps words). You’ll read about May to August 2018. You’ll also read about February 2019; this piece of paper is what I saw on February 7th, when my runny eyes looked up at my wall. I was exhausted and in tears; when I saw this verse, I wondered what kinds of plans involved God keeping me in pain.
You’ll also read about October 2019.
I could never understand how a supposedly loving Father could let me go through so much pain. And if I’m being completely honest, I sometimes still struggle with this image and this verse. But I can say there is not one pain He has not replaced with greater joy.
Key lyrics:
'Cause you know just what we need
Before we say a word
You're a Good, Good Father
It's who you are
And I'm loved by you
It's who I am
You are perfect in all of Your ways
Keywords: love, comfort, help, trust, God.
Two down, four to go! I hope this is not too sad; honestly, I’m getting a bit sad writing these stories, and I look forward to writing about something more joyful. But hey, if that helps someone somewhere, then it’s all worth it. 😊 Talk to you in my next post! In the meantime, stay well, physically and mentally.
Câlins,
Danielle
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