Oh, hey! Ça va ? I am back with Part IV of The Stories Behind The Playlist, where I share memories related to the songs I curated for The Playlist. Is this your first time reading this series? Welcome! You may want to read the intro for an overview, and catch up with Part I, Part II, and Part III. Happy reading or listening! 🤗
Disclaimer
In some stories, I’ll reference The Book for context. In doing so, I am by no means trying to make you buy it; the buying decision remains in your hands. 😊
The content of these stories may also be triggering, so your discretion is advised.
Contents
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Song 16: You Already Know by JJ Heller
Release Year: 2020
Year of first listen: 2022
Years of the story: 2022 to 2024
The story
JJ Heller wrote this song in 2020 when the pandemic was in full swing, but when I started listening to it on repeat two years later, it was because of something entirely different. During the summer of 2022, I was crumbling under the weight of debt I didn’t know how to repay. I had just started my first full-time job since coming to Canada in December 2020. The pay was decent, but my monthly debt payments were well over my monthly income. And in addition to debt, I had other bills to pay.
One day in June or July, I was sitting on the edge of my bed in my studio apartment on Spadina Road, on the side facing the balcony. My curtains were open, and I was looking out. Anxious thoughts on how to live life with so much debt were swirling in my mind, but were then interrupted by this song when it started playing in my head on its own.
This song also reminds me of my journey with The Book, the uncertainty I faced while working on its launch. For years, I didn’t have a launch date, or at least the ones that I set never materialized. I eventually started setting “hypothetical” launch dates to avoid breaking my heart over and over, yet it still hurt to see my plans fail when none of those dates worked.
When I started using a project management tool in late 2022 to organize my life and plan for the book launch, I assigned myself tasks that I worked on every day without really knowing when anything would be live. Many times, I feared that I was working in vain. As I worked on this website and the overall launch activities, I fell in love with this project. I hoped my sacrifices were not for nothing, but at the same time, there was no clear indication that they were going to bear fruit. Quite the contrary at times! So some days, I would talk or cry to God about that, and when I couldn’t find words, I knew He already knew. I just truly wanted Him to go before me, but also still be by my side.
I only started using this tool in late 2022, so these scenarios don’t take into account everything I had planned for since 2021. There’s a fifth scenario that is not depicted here; it is the one we’re in right now, where I effectively publish The Book on October 10, 2024, after a pre-launch campaign that started on July 8th.
Key lyrics
I wish there was a point on the horizon
Something I could see with my own eyes
I need to tell you that I'm scared
Someday, I hope the suffering makes sense
I just need to know that you are with me
Even if you keep me in suspense
We talk so much these days
Because I have so much to say
You stay and listen to me closely even though
You already know
Whenever the ending
You're already there
You go before me
Keywords: uncertainty, fear.
Song 17: Jesus, I Need You by Hillsong Worship
Release year: 2015
Year of first listen: 2017
Year of the story: 2017
The story
This song reminds me of the very beginnings of my journey of faith. It is one of the first gospel songs I listened to as I was getting closer to God. It’s actually the second one. The very first was I Surrender by the same group, introduced to me by Father Andrew (not his real name, but you’ll meet him soon 😉). The song was playing in his car one time as he was driving me home. I had absolutely never heard of Hillsong before. I knew gospel songs existed, but I didn’t listen to them and didn’t even know there were actual gospel artists. I thought all gospel songs were from church choirs.
I loved the song, so I played it on repeat on YouTube when I got home, and for days afterward. I guess the algorithm picked up on the fact that I liked the song, so it started recommending more songs by Hillsong. And that is how I discovered this one. The reason I didn’t include I Surrender in The Playlist is because first, I prefer the live version on YouTube to the one on Spotify, and second, it is not what I gravitated towards when life challenges started shaking my world. This song is.
When I listen to this song, I see myself in my bedroom on Peoria Street during my first summer in Chicago, feeling lost. I see myself a few months later walking around the West Loop neighborhood where I lived, treading on fallen leaves that crunched under my shoes, hands in my pockets to avoid the cold wind. Sometimes I stared at nothing; other times, I watched the yellow, orange, and light green leaves fall to the ground as I listened to this song on repeat. I had never felt this lost before. My world was literally being shaken.
Nothing was going as expected.
I had no idea how I was going to go to school.
I had no idea how I was going to remain in the U.S.
I had no idea what would happen if I didn’t stay in the U.S.
I was going through a breakup.
I felt lonely.
I wasn’t well, and I saw the repercussions on my body: I experienced acne for the first time and spent sleepless nights staring at my ceiling, worrying. My nose was bleeding almost every night, and almost every night I felt nauseous. I spent several nights alone on my bathroom floor throwing up, feeling dizzy. During the day, I was exponentially more sensitive. I became irritable, would cry for the smallest things.
I didn’t know who to turn to.
People didn’t take it very seriously when I talked about my late-night sickness or early signs of depression. They either brushed it off or said maybe I was pregnant. (Nothing wrong with being pregnant, I just wasn’t.) My menstrual cycle had changed too; not that I talked about it, but I knew if I did, it would only confirm people’s assumptions. So, I reverted to saying I was fine when they asked how I was doing.
I felt lonely.
I needed someone.
I needed God.
Key lyrics
Jesus I need You
Every moment I need You
Remember love
Remember mercy
Your loving kindness
Has never failed me
Keywords: loneliness, confusion, fear, God.
Song 18: Build My Life by Housefires
Release year: 2016
Year of first listen: 2019
Year of the story: 2020
The story
Oh, this song... I know I’ve had the same reaction with other songs, but these are the ones that melt my heart and bring tears to my eyes.
This one is what I consider the “reconciliation song.” After nearly three years of constant battles, challenges, and pain, what happened in October 2019 was my breaking point. I felt the most intense pain I’d ever felt. My heart broke into a million pieces, and I thought there was no coming back. In every sense. I was at my lowest yet. Lower than all the times I thought I had reached rock bottom. I was shattered like I’d never been before.
I couldn’t take any more pain, so I did something I never thought I’d do in my entire life. What followed my anger and brokenness weeks later was the start of my journey to renewed hope. A journey of allowing my heart to beat, feel, believe, and hope again.
One step at a time.
One miracle at a time.
January 2020. I’m at work, sitting at my desk, headphones in. I am randomly playing my Liked Songs playlist on Spotify. This song comes on. I usually skip it because I don’t like it that much. I’ve never listened to it entirely, but this time I decide to give it a try. I listen to the entire song once, then twice. Three times. Now I can’t stop. It reminds me of my journey since 2017. It reminds me of the past few months, how I got where I am. And I reflect on how He opened my eyes in wonder and showed me who He was.
Key lyrics
Worthy of every breath we could ever breathe
Holy, there is no one like You
There is none besides You
Open up my eyes in wonder
And show me who You are and fill me
With Your heart and lead me
In Your love to those around me
And I will build my life upon Your love, it is a firm foundation
And I will put my trust in You alone
And I will not be shaken
All my life for You, oh Lord
You can have it all
Keywords: gratefulness, renewed hope, God.
Song 19: Truth Be Told by Matthew West
Release year: 2021
Year of first listen: 2021
Years of the story: 2004 to 2022
The story
When I listened to this song throughout 2021, it only reminded me of the events between 2017 and 2021. It made me think of the times I was broken and in pain but told everyone I was fine, either because I wanted to be “strong” and deal with my issues on my own, or because I didn’t want to bother, or because I felt misunderstood when I did open up about my struggles, or because I didn’t want to hear about how much worse other people have it, or because in my culture, depression and anxiety are considered by many to be “White people issues,” or because I had this false idea that believing in God meant not feeling external pressure or frustration and I felt like a bad Christian for not experiencing that supernatural peace I kept hearing people on YouTube and Instagram talk about, or because I didn’t want to feel like I was complaining and being ungrateful, or simply because I did not want to cry.
Listening to this song in 2022 reminded me of another memory I spent almost my entire life trying to suppress. We’ll talk about it after The Book is published.
Key lyrics
Another song that makes it hard to choose just a few lyrics, because I relate to everything.
Lie number one: you're supposed to have it all together
And when they ask how you're doing
Just smile and tell them, "Never better"
Lie number two: everybody's life is perfect except yours
So keep your messes and your wounds
And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors
I say I'm fine, yeah I'm fine oh I'm fine, hey I'm fine but I'm not
I'm broken
And when it's out of control I say it's under control but it's not
And You know it
I don't know why it's so hard to admit it
When being honest is the only way to fix it
There's no failure, no fall
There's no sin You don't already know
So let the truth be told
Can I really stand here unashamed
Knowin' that your love for me won't change?
Oh God if that's really true
Then let the truth be told
Keywords: shame, pain, brokenness, wounds, depression.
Song 20: The Climb by Miley Cyrus
Release year: 2009
Year of first listen: 2009
Years of the story: 2018 to 2019
The story
I loved this song when I was in middle school. To understand how much, you’ll have to ask my little sister Emma (not her real name). I don’t know if I listened to or played any other song in 2009 after this one came out. I loved the song and understood the lyrics, yet they didn’t mean much to me. It was just a pretty song with pretty lyrics.
When I rediscovered it a decade later, I was climbing high mountains of my own, going after a dream that seemed to move further and further away with every step I made. In the early stages of pursuing that dream, I was confident it would come true; but overtime, it seemed unattainable, like something I would never reach. Ten years later, this song made a lot of sense.
That old dream never came true, but I kept going after it until the last flame of the bigger fire burning for it died down.
Key lyrics:
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
There's always gonna be another mountain
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Ain't about how fast I get there
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith
Keywords: dreams, challenges, discouragement, hope.
Another one down, two more to go! As always, thanks for taking the time to read or listen. See you in Part V. In the meantime, stay well, physically and mentally.
Câlins,
Danielle
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