THE STORIES BEHIND THE PLAYLIST: PART V

Oh, hey! Ça va ? Welcome to Part V of the series The Story Behind The Playlist! If this is your first time here and you need some context, head over to the intro to this series first. You can also read or listen to Part I, Part II, Part III, and Part IV. Happy reading or listening! 🤗

Disclaimer

In some stories, I’ll reference The Book for context. In doing so, I am by no means trying to make you buy it; the buying decision remains in your hands. 😊

The content of these stories may also be triggering, so your discretion is advised.

Contents

Song 21: King of Kings by Hillsong Worship, Brooke Ligertwood

Song 22: Scars to Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara

Song 23: Pour Toi by The Shin Sekaï

Song 24: Mama by X-Maleya, Pit Baccardi

Prefer to listen?

Song 21: King of Kings by Hillsong Worship, Brooke Ligertwood

Release year: 2019

Year of first listen: 2021

Years of the story: 2017 to 2022

The story

I love this song! And oh, this song… It is yet another one that reminds me of many periods of my life but on the positive side, this time. It reminds me of the mini miracles sprinkled along painful journeys.

When I discovered this song in February 2021, my dream at the time hadn’t come true yet, and I was still very attached to the idea that my happiness wouldn’t be complete until that dream came true. I listened to this song over and over, telling myself it would be the song of praise I would sing once my dream came true at the end of that year, as I initially wanted. I was looking forward to that day. That day did not come. But after crying rivers of tears and subsequently reflecting, I learned my biggest lesson to date. That painful experience made me realize there was so much more to life than dreams and goals, and for the first time since I was 15, I decided to detach myself from my dream. I was not giving up, but I no longer wanted to obsess over it and let it prevent me from finding fulfillment elsewhere. I gave my dream back to God. If He wanted me to have it, He was going to find a way. I was tired of going from one heartbreak to another, desperately trying to make it happen.

I didn’t have as many goals for 2022 as in previous years—I mostly wanted to enjoy life, whether my dream came true or not. When I got an offer in January 2022 to join Accenture as a Consulting Analyst, although it wasn’t exactly my dream, I was happy and proud of myself. Happy and proud to have gotten the offer, but more importantly, happy and proud to have loosened the grip on my dream, to have persevered through the many challenges over the years, to have held on even when I didn’t have the strength.

February 17, 2022. Tonight, I am going through my journals for no reason at all. Well… maybe not for no reason—sometimes I forget what I write, so I like to go back and see where I was a few months before, the state of mind I was in. I stop to read what I wrote on December 31, 2021, during my annual year-in-review.

Tears well up in my eyes, confirming that I effectively forgot what I’d written that day. I’ve been listening to Song 11 every day since I got my Accenture offer last month, but tonight, I put on my headphones, open Spotify, and play Song 21. I tap the repeat icon and go out for a walk in the cold. I walk and listen to this song, tears refusing to break their stream. The sky is pitch dark with no moon and no stars, only snowflakes coming down, swirling around before crashing on my face and on the ground.

Ice-cold liquid drips down my face under my mask, and I can’t tell if it’s coming from my eyes or from the sky. I run my tongue over my lips to taste, and the saltiness reveals the liquid is 94.62% tears and 5.38% melted snow. I don’t like crying in public, but my outfit matches the sky and there’s only a handful of people out who probably can’t see through the thick fog.

I walk, I listen, I cry, I reminisce. It doesn’t matter that my exact dream hasn’t come true. It doesn’t matter that I am not yet where I want to be. It doesn’t matter that I am once more in lockdown, dealing with other challenges. In February 2022, exactly a year after discovering this song, I am praising God.

Key lyrics

Praise the Father

Praise the Son

Praise the Spirit three in one

God of glory

Majesty

Praise forever to the King of Kings

For the love of Jesus Christ

Who has resurrected me

Keywords: joy, praise, God, dreams.

Song 22: Scars to Your Beautiful by Alessia Cara

Release year: 2015

Year of first listen: 2015

Years of the story: 2004 to 2013, 2017 to 2021

The story

This song reminds me of my struggles with body image, which can be classified into two categories: weight and skin.

Weight: I associate most of my childhood with issues fitting in because of the way I looked. I was chubby, possibly overweight (never had a professional opinion on that so I’m not sure), and people did not fail to point that out. From their comments to the way they looked at me to mockery and unsolicited advice, I had plenty of reminders that I didn’t quite look like most people my age or fit the beauty standard. I had a hard time accepting myself, being myself, and wanting to be no one else but myself. I did not like what I saw in the mirror; in fact, I hated it and would have given anything to look like everyone else, like “normal people,” as I used to say. I was extremely self-conscious. I didn’t really understand the concept of self-confidence, but whatever that was, I didn’t have it. I tried multiple diets, starved myself, tried getting sick, but nothing worked. When people did not leave me out at school, I did so myself because I didn’t feel like I belonged.

There’s actually another song that perfectly describes my feelings at the time. It’s called Le Regard des Gens by Tunisiano. Yes, it’s in French, but if you can, watch the video or listen on Spotify. (Here are the lyrics if you want to translate them to English.) I wanted to add this song to The Playlist but didn’t because I only relate to the first verse. I remember listening to this song when it came out in 2008 and feeling like this guy had read my journal. Everything he said in that first verse was everything I was feeling. I liked the song a lot but couldn’t admit it for fear that people would guess why.

As I grew older, I developed a better relationship with my body and gradually increased my self-confidence. I won’t lie, it helped that I leaned out. How? I don’t know because I didn’t do anything special. I guess I just grew up. By the time I was in college, I was a lot more confident in my body and actually loved my curves. But the occasional comments on my cheeks or when I gained weight sometimes brought me back to my childhood ways.

Skin: Something I didn’t struggle with growing up was acne. I was super thankful to have gone through puberty without any blemish, just the usual one or two pimples here and there. I thought that was my little reward for overcoming past struggles. But then came adulthood with its own struggles. My adult acne started in the Summer of 2017 and was mostly stress-induced. I was going through a lot and it showed on my face. I began experiencing my childhood anxiety of not wanting to see what I looked like on pictures again, so I stopped taking selfies and would not pick up video calls. I struggled with acne and its lovely scars for the years that followed, but over time I tried as best as I could to look past all of it and appreciate whatever progress my skin was making.

That is until I went back home to Cameroon in the summer of 2020. I had never heard that many mean comments on my skin. Granted, I’d never had skin issues, but still… People told me not to return to the U.S. because it had made me ugly. They said they were used to “pretty me.” They said I looked older (not in a good way). They asked why I wasn’t as pretty as before. And in a culture where for many people, the lighter you are the better you look, I knew what they meant when they commented on how much darker I had gotten, or when they asked why I hadn’t gotten lighter like most people who went to live abroad. You’ll read about my experience at the spa. All of that took a toll on me. Yes, I cried, and yes, it took me back to my childhood. I didn’t feel pretty. I started avoiding people, didn’t want to go out to see anyone.

I eventually got used to comments and they gradually lost their power over me (I suppose that’s what it means to have “thick skin”?). I also found a much better spa, and my skin started to improve. When it did, the new comments I received were on the weight I’d gained, coming from the same people who previously wondered how I hadn’t become obese considering I lived in the “land of burgers.” But at that point in my life, I didn’t care what people thought about my weight anymore, and I was certainly not going to stop eating fried plantain every time I had a chance because I needed to “maintain” my weight. Like, what?! Why?! Makes zero sense.

Danielle's skin.

Danielle's weight.

The reason I put 2021 as the end year of the story isn’t because I am now completely immune to pesky comments or no longer have any insecurities. That is not true. What is true is that loving myself is a work in progress and as long as I live, I will put in the work. 2021 is simply the year I decided to no longer let people’s opinions and standards of beauty have even the slightest influence on how I see myself. Sometimes I eat clean, and other times I have two Spicy Deluxe Chick-Fil-A sandwiches with large fries, lemonade, and extra sauce. I don’t usually eat spicy food, but Chick-Fil-A’s spicy chicken sandwiches just hit different. When I have those two sandwiches, my routine stays the same and I don’t go to the gym an extra day or for an extra 30 minutes to burn “extra” calories. I will no longer engage in dietary restrictions unless absolutely necessary and recommended by someone who actually knows what they’re talking about.

(Very) long story short: I love myself. I also love my body, and I know people will always have something to say about it. This song is a reminder of that.

Oh, and although I don’t love them, I am thankful for my scars (😉).

Key lyrics

Oh, she don't see, the light that's shining

Deeper than the eyes can find it

Maybe we have made her blind

So she tries to cover up her pain

But there's a hope that's waiting for you in the dark

You should know you're beautiful just the way you are

And you don't have to change a thing

The world could change its heart

We're stars and we're beautiful

Beauty is pain and there's beauty in everything

What's a little bit of hunger?

I could go a little while longer

Beauty goes deeper than the surface

So to all the girls that's hurting

Let me be your mirror

Help you see a little bit clearer

The light that shines within

No better you than the you that you are

No better life than the life we're living

Keyword: self-love.

Song 23: Pour Toi by The Shin Sekaï

Release year: 2016

Year of first listen: 2018 (I don’t know how I didn’t know about this song earlier.)

Year of the story: 2018

The story

This is another song that I used for my mom’s birthday video in 2018. Read or listen to Story 14 if you don’t know what I’m talking about or need a refresher. It’s such a beautiful song, I really don’t know how I wasn’t aware it existed before 2018.

When I asked my little sister to get our mom’s all-time favorite song for the video montage, she suggested we use this one as well and that’s how I learned about it. And just like Song 14, I couldn’t stop listening to this one either after my mom’s birthday. It reminded me of her, all she had done for me and all I would do for her if I had the opportunity. It’s a song that makes me feel grateful to have her as my mom.

Key lyrics

Mama, pour toi je ferais tout

Mom, for you I'd do anything

Je n'sais comment te remercier

I don't know how to thank you

Pour toi j'aimerais tout arrêter

For you I'd stop everything

Pardonne-moi pour toutes ces fois où j'n'ai pas su dire, Mama

Forgive me for all the times I couldn't say, mom

Que tu comptais pour moi

How much you mean to me

Si les poids sur tes épaules deviennent difficiles, Mama

If the weights on your shoulders get heavy, mom

Je les prendrai pour toi

I'll take them for you

Laisse-moi devenir la solution de tes ennuis

Let me be the solution to your troubles

Dis-moi comment te rendre heureuse

Tell me how to make you happy

Demande-moi, ferme les yeux

Ask me, close your eyes

Car pour toi, je donnerais tout

Because for you, I'd give anything

Je n'oublierai jamais c'que tu m'as apporté

I'll never forget what you’ve done for me

Et si je survis aujourd'hui, c'est grâce à ta ténacité

And if I live today, it's because of your tenacity

Et si un jour la vie décide de nous séparer

And if one day life decides to take us apart

Mama, j'espère que tu m'auras pardonné

Mom, I hope you will have forgiven me

Keywords: Ming Mang Moung, love, gratefulness.

This is an excerpt from the video I made for her birthday. I am the fifth of six children, and I put clips together by order of birth, so quite a few people had already gone before me. You’ve probably already come across the way I affectionately call her—Ming Mang Moung. I have no idea where that came from, I just know I started calling her like that from a very young age and it stuck with me. I even made that short melody from a Bob Marley song haha. I can’t remember the last time I actually called her “mom.”

What I said back in 2018 still stands to this day—I truly couldn’t have hoped for a better mom. As my little sister put it later in the video, “Even if we could choose our parents, I would’ve still chosen [her] as my mom.”

The picture right after my clip is from when she came to visit me in Chicago in December 2017. This is the scene this picture refers to in The Book:

We walked out of the airport and I went back into her arms. She squeezed again. I had missed her so much. I had been in the U.S. for less than a year, yet it felt like I hadn’t seen her in a decade. We took a ton of pictures, then headed home.

Also, how crazy is it that this song started exactly when my clip started? What a strange coincidence!

Song 24: Mama by X-Maleya, Pit Baccardi

Release year: 2013

Year of first listen: 2013

Years of the story: 1996 to infinity

The story

This is another tribute to my mom. And no, this song wasn’t part of the birthday video, but it is one that I like a lot. This song is in French and Bassa’a, one of more than 200 Cameroonian dialects. In case you didn’t know, I’m Cameroonian, but I don’t actually understand what they say in the song. George–who you’ll meet in The Book–translated it for me. That is because I’m from another ethnic group—Beti, specifically Ewondo (100% 😊). So, Ewondo is what I speak (a little) and understand (a lot more).

I know most people can say this about their moms, but mine is truly the best. Like, in the whole entire world. I could tell a million stories or give a million reasons why she is, but I won’t, because that would require writing another book (I’m happy with one for now 😩), and some of these stories are not mine to tell.

Key lyrics

The entire song, except the part where Pit Baccardi says “Tu n’es plus là mais je t’aime” (you’re no longer here, but I love you) because she is still here, and I wish it would stay that way forever.

[If anyone is Bassa’a here, please don’t laugh at my pronunciation in the audio. 😭]

Nyambè soho soho tera mama yem eh

Lord please, please, watch over my mom

A mama eh a mama, mè ngwès wè eh

Oh mom, oh mom, I love you

Keywords: Ming Mang Moung.

Thanks for reading today’s stories! The comments section is always open, if there’s anything you’d like to share. I’ll see you next time for the last part of this series. In the meantime, stay well, physically and mentally. 😊

Câlins,

Danielle